Everything Must Be Perfect

All my life, I've been a bit of a perfectionist. And by "bit," I mean I'm the kind of person who used to get pissed if I made less than a perfect score on an assignment. I would compare my test scores to my friends, and feel really inadequate if I didn't have the best marks. If a piece of artwork turned out anything to be anything different than what I had in my head, to me it was garbage. If somebody beat me in a competition, it was because I clearly didn't try hard enough or want it bad enough.

It was really, really toxic. A lot of the time, it was also egotistical and gross. I had this awful ambition to be, not the best I could be, but the best, period. Fortunately, as an adult, I've deflated my own head a bit and shed some of those toxic thoughts and behaviors (because, holy shit, I was an asshole to friends who beat me at things sometimes).

The one thing that hasn't gone away, though, is the underlying insecurity that if I show somebody something that isn't my absolute best, they'll think less of me. I mess up a drill in roller derby practice, I have to actively remind myself that my teammates won't think I'm terrible, they'll know I just need some help and encouragement (because they are all amazing people). If I let housework slide, I have to remind myself that people don't care that I have dishes in my sink and they still love me.

The really nasty one, though, is the conviction that if my writing friends read work of mine that hasn't been edited, they'll think I'm a horrible, stupid fool who has no talent and should die in a fire.

I have a lot of insecurities about my own unedited writing. And I think it's setting me back.

Getting through stuff like this has always been hell for me, and it's never been easy. But I'm trying. Nobody poops out a first draft that is 100% perfect. Hell, I don't think anybody can have a finished draft that is 100% perfect. There are always things that can be tweaked or improved, and there are always ways to become a better writer. But that's a good thing, I think. Perfection is boring.

The point of this post, really, is to say that I know I've got a ways to go in dealing with my own issues with toxic perfectionism. I'm not so bad as I was, but I still shoot myself in the foot by hoarding things I think aren't good enough.

The point is that I know this, and I'm working on fixing it. And that if you're out there reading this and you struggle with perfectionism, too, you're not alone in that.  Let's all just try and remember that nobody writes a perfect first draft, everyone has bad days, and that's okay.

'Til next time,
J.